My Personal Quest for God

SEARCHING FOR THE ONE MY HEART LOVES

“I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares;

I will search for the one my heart loves.” Song of Songs 3:2 (NIV)

When I was a child

I swung on the backyard swing 

stared into cloud shapes

searched for a glimpse of God

lit votives and prayed

at the Shrine of St. Anthony

tallied indulgences

purchased pamphlets

from the rack

in back of church

that seemed to promise answers

I frequented the large-as-life

Stations of the Cross

and knelt in a grotto

before a likeness

of the briefly interred Jesus

visited the Convent of the Missionary Sisters

of the Immaculate Conception

just a few blocks from my home

Considered (like many Catholic girls)

what life as a nun might be

read about Fatima and Lourdes

and lives of saints

studied my Catechism

cherished a glow-in-the-dark Nativity figure

given to students Christmastime

at Confraternity of Christian Doctrine class

attended Sunday Mass

at Saint Bonaventure’s

became a bride of Christ

at First Holy Communion

and a soldier of Christ

at Confirmation

As a teenager

I began to read Dostoyevsky

and awed by his brilliance

assumed my questions

would be answered by him

I grew up, married

became a mother

loved God

in a corner of my heart

and continued to read Dostoyevsky

not yet realizing

another’s experience with God

could not become my own

My confessor, Father Matthew

rightly perceived my need

Go, he told me, for Penance

to a Charismatic prayer gathering

Obediently, I went

uneasy about what I’d find

for I had heard stories…

but to my sweet surprise

before my very eyes

stood ordinary people

lifting their hands

loving God openly, joyfully

living holy lives

I opened God’s Word

and began to know Him

I talked with Him

Listened. Prayed

Soon I invited Him

to become my All in All

the marvelous fulfillment

of my most secret longing

God moved from His quiet corner

to overflow my heart

with limitless Love that is He

and we’ve embarked upon adventures

far, far beyond my imaginings

sometimes across the sea

sometimes without leaving

my chair

The quest has been worthwhile

for I’ve found the One

and only One

The Holy One

The Jesus One

this sated searching heart

forever loves

Maude Carolan